In passing

I’ve not had time to really sit down and think about writing lately.  I wish I did – I love to do it and it helps me process what’s going on inside.  It might help if I jot down a few things going through my pea brain the last few days.

• My grandmother is in the skilled unit of her assisted living facility now.  She had pneumonia and spent a few days in the hospital and it took a toll on her.  Her 95 1/2 year old body seems tinier to me now, her voice softer, her eyes much heavier and sleepier.  I feel the need to go see her often and get in as many kisses on that soft cheek of hers that I can.  I wish we could just talk and visit but she is so weak and drowsy.
• I’ve never had to live day by day in all aspects of my life as much as I am now:  spiritually, emotionally, financially.  I take comfort in the fact that God has never let me down and each day I have what I need and more.  I don’t know for sure what’s up tomorrow but I find as I take each step, send up each prayer, carry out what I know to do to take care of my family and try to stay close to God that I’m making it!  Yes it’s hard, but God is faithful.  I have my down days but mostly peaceful ones – especially when I honestly cry out to Him (pretty much every morning on the way to work) and share the heavies weighing on my heart.  He welcomes me in love and helps me shoulder the heavies.   Why does He care?  Why does He love?  This leads me to the next thought that’s been churning around in my head:
• I think we have become so accustomed to knowing God and being his children that we forget the unimaginable miracle of His faithful love and grace.  Somehow we have become impatient with trivialities and lost sight of the plain and simple fact that we should be cast aside, despised and rejected for our sinfulness but God gave his very own life-blood to pay for us and redeem us.  It’s like getting aggravated at the flight attendants during a flight for not having the soda you like while forgetting how unbelievably awesome it is that you are sitting in a giant, heavy steel object flying thousands of feet in the air!  The amazement about the miracle of flight has become ho-hum.   The miracle of God’s grace becomes ho-hum when I get stuck in the mud of myself and what I want.  It’s like everything is amazing and nobody’s happy.  If we would all realize afresh the generosity and compassion of God we wouldn’t care about the songs being sung at church, the type of car we’re stuck with or job we don’t love, our possessions or lack thereof, or anything so temporal.  We would be always praising and thanking God, trembling with gratitude and the knowledge that we haven’t earned and can’t repay Him for that gift.  God help us remember!  Open our eyes!  Shake us awake!   We would be dead now and forever without You.
• I am at a place of total surrender right now.  It seems, in some ways, God has pressed on me until I cried “Uncle!”  Everything I thought I wanted to or should control is completely out of my control.  I do have control over my choice to trust in God.  I do have control in the choices about how I use the healthy body and mind He’s given me, the resources I DO have, how I love and serve the beautiful, loving family God blessed me with, how I pray for and serve beside my brothers and sisters in my church family, how I stay in God’s Word and press more closely into Him.   It’s a change of mindset – letting go of the things I think I should control and turning to focus on how I can contribute to what God’s doing.   What GOD is doing.  Staying in the backseat and not advising.  Walking, as if blindfolded, with hands outstretched and not being afraid.
• We are finally free of the bedbugs!!  Of course as soon as I say that I’ll probably find one upstairs.  From March to October – what an ordeal.  Trials do come to an end.  There’s hope!
• I’m tired….in many ways.
• I was in the mood for bagels as I came home from the store this evening.  My little Dutch Apple snack  is calling me right now, “come toast me and put on some hazelnut cream cheese.”  Okay.  For now…over and out.

In the Storm and After

A close friend of mine wrote these words and sent them to me today.  They were a fresh breeze over my wilting hope.  I wanted to share them with you:

This past weekend, we went to Biloxi to my cousin’s wedding. It was such a beautiful time and my heart is so full from seeing everyone and spending time with family. Another cousin, who recently moved to the area, shared that according to the Postal Service, there are 28,000 addresses along that beach that no longer have service after Katrina. My parents are one of those address statistics. During the 10+ years they lived there, we visited my parents multiple times a year. It was a home away from home for us and all of my siblings. I have been down there three times now post Katrina. The first time was 6 weeks after the storm to help my parents clear away debris and search for anything of value to them. The second time was Christmas 2007, two years after, when my brothers and their families and my family all met there with my parents for the holidays. And with this visit, I come away healed even more and aware that God continues to carry out His plans for us. We were an absolutely joyous family this weekend. The initial sadness, which was great, is gone. I remember vividly how violent and traumatic the experience was for my parents. It is impossible to figure out why this happened, why God allowed this to happen. But my parents led by example and decided early on that they would not look back, and they have forged ahead with their lives with their trust in Him.

Casting Crowns released a song just prior to Katrina, which had hauntingly appropriate lyrics at the time. That song carried me personally through a lot of tears and fears. And it keeps popping into my head now, as New Life and John and Mimi go through this trial. Let us not lose sight of Him, who is God now and forever. He has a plan for us and right now, it is that we cling to Him, and to each other. And as strange as it sounds, I am excited about our future because He is laying out the plans.

Praise You in This Storm
words by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it’s still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
“I’m with you”
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus:
And I’ll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I’ve cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can’t find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

(This post was written by my friend Kelli Brooks)

Get busy and wait

I’m becoming a waiting pro.  I’ve had much experience, especially in the last 3 years of my life: waiting on answers to prayers, waiting on direction, waiting to become more like Jesus (I’m pretty sure that’s gonna last my whole life), waiting to see the plans God has for my daughters.  Waiting is a big part of everyday life anyway:  waiting at the doctor’s office, standing in line at the grocery, in traffic, on friends who are meeting us for lunch or coffee, for fun holiday family get-togethers, for vacations, on test results, for news from a job interview, for a newborn baby to arrive…it goes on and on.

Since it is such a part of life why do I become irritated when I have to wait?  I think partly because it is a time when I have no control over the situation or the outcome.  I feel I should be doing something to help the process along, whatever that may be.  There are many things I can’t make happen any quicker than they are already happening.  It is out of my hands.

I got to see first-hand the beginnings of a house being built on Extreme Makeover Home Edition this week.  Scads of workers were busy night and day to build that house.  In reality, most houses take weeks or months to build.  The owners must wait for everything to be completed and done well if they want a house that will last, one they can enjoy living in.  Impatiently moving in before the roof was complete or windows installed would be silly.  Even worse, deciding to take over because the builders are taking too long and do it yourself, when you are not skilled, would probably end in a shoddy mess of a place to live.

The smell of baking bread when I’m hungry is just about enough to do me in.  I can’t wait to taste the crispy crust and soft inside of a thick slice when it’s done.  Pulling it out of the oven before it’s finished baking would make all the waiting I’d done to that point useless.  The dough would be gooey and wasted.  I’d have to start all over again.

I remember how excited I was when I became pregnant for the first time.  The thought of nine months of waiting for my baby seemed like it would take forever to pass.  There’s no rushing that little baby, though.  If it comes too early it will have problems and may even die.  My job was to eat well, get rest, and stay healthy and just wait while my little one developed and grew at the pace God determined.   When Kimmi finally showed her sweet, little face the joy was indescribable.  How completely worth the wait!

I can find things to do while I wait to make myself ready for whatever is ahead.  God does the rest.  I tend to want to “help” God with His part but that only leads to unnecessary stress and frustration.   He reminds me that sometimes there is simply nothing I can do but pray and wait.   I can’t solve the problem at hand, I can’t fix everything for everyone I love, I can’t heal people, I can’t orchestrate the interaction of many lives the way God does to bring about amazing, beautiful results.  He’s the Savior and CEO of the Universe, not me.

This actually has brought me relief lately.  My heart becomes weighed down when I think I’m not doing enough to help hurting people around me find answers.  In those moments I realize I’ve taken that mantle of responsibility and foolishly draped it across my own shoulders.  I want to wrap my arms around so many, draw them in, heal their hearts, give them hope, sustain them, build them up, and more…but that’s what God will do in His way and time.  I can help, I can pray, I can listen, I can encourage but then I am choosing to keep my hands off and wait on God.

He ALONE has the answers.  He alone will make a way, not me.  He will sustain people who call on Him with his grace and love.  He can give them peace that is beyond their understanding.  He is there for them 24/7, no matter where they are or what they’re doing.  He is the one that can forgive and restore.  He alone.  Only God.

Whew.  Thank you, God.  I’m so, so thankful that You are God and I am not.  I’m so thankful that oftentimes all you expect of me is to patiently wait on You.  I thank you for it and won’t complain. If there’s anything you want me to do in the meantime just say it.  Otherwise, I’ll be over here waiting.

I love You.  I trust You.  YOU are God.

Listen to my voice in the morning, Lord.
Each morning I bring my requests to you and wait expectantly.  Psalm 5:3  NLT

…be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.  Psalm 27:14  NIV

Have you never heard?
Have you never understood?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of all the earth.
He never grows weak or weary.
No one can measure the depths of his understanding.
He gives power to the weak
and strength to the powerless.
Even youths will become weak and tired,
and young men will fall in exhaustion.
But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.
They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
They will walk and not faint.    Isaiah 40:28-31  NLT

Ready to Help

I was ready, I was ready, I was waiting and I was ready….I waited some more.  I wandered around and watched for the time they would need me.  It never came!  I was standing on the sidelines watching 30 or more construction workers building an Extreme Makeover Home Edition house in Kokomo.  It was exciting to be there in person and see how this monumental task of building a house in 7 days really happens.  All throughout the four hours I was there, I marveled at the amount of organization and managing of details that had taken place to reach that point.  It takes many, many people, each doing their job the way they’re supposed to, working together to accomplish it.  The great thing about it is that each person is happy to be there helping.  They’re eager to use their skills and talents to contribute and be a part of the outcome for a deserving family.  No one was doing things half-heartedly.  There was a lot of energy in the air.  I was wishing I had more construction skills so I could actually do something.  We did get to form an assembly line at one point to help unload a truck.  There were so many volunteers, each of us wearing our blue Extreme Makeover t-shirts and white hard hats, standing along the sidelines that they didn’t need all of us.  I guess that’s a good problem!

How I wish the Church operated the same way:  people eager to use their skills, to get in there and get going, working together, excited about being part of the outcome for people who deserve to know about Jesus.  Wouldn’t it be awesome if there were so many people ready to help that people lined up along the sidelines, just waiting and listening for someone to say, “okay, we need five people over here!”  Then they would rush over together with smiles on their faces, thinking “I get to help!  Finally!”

I guess in a way the pastor is like Ty, running along the row of workers, yelling in his bullhorn, “Come on!  Let’s get going!  Let’s get this done for the family coming home soon!”  Everyone else chips in and uses their skills:  the people gifted with hospitality walk among the others with trays of food and warm words of encouragement, those skilled at teaching show others how to work even more efficiently and effectively, those who are skilled with creativity would help design the project and figure out how to make it most beautiful, those gifted with faith would speak words of hope to everyone else and keep their hearts turned toward the goal, those gifted with works and service would be hard at work putting their hands to the job, those gifted with people skills and a heart for evangelism would be telling everyone around the neighborhood about the project and bringing more to see it and join in.   Before you know it, we’d see results and there would be joy as we watch God “move the bus” and show what He’s been doing through us all the while.  I’ve got my hard hat on, and even my blue shirt.  I’m ready to help.

“Just as our bodies have many parts and each part has a special function, so it is with Christ’s body. We are many parts of one body, and we all belong to each other.

In his grace, God has given us different gifts for doing certain things well. So if God has given you the ability to prophesy, speak out with as much faith as God has given you.  If your gift is serving others, serve them well. If you are a teacher, teach well.  If your gift is to encourage others, be encouraging. If it is giving, give generously. If God has given you leadership ability, take the responsibility seriously. And if you have a gift for showing kindness to others, do it gladly.”  Romans 12:4-8

Lean Into It

What mother would say, after hours of exhausting labor, when she’s nearly ready to push the baby out into the world, “This is too much.  I’m giving up”?

What marathon runner would decide to sit down yards away from the finish line after enduring nearly 26 miles of roadway under their hot, tired feet?

What painter would visualize and paint for hours and then leave the painting unfinished, a portion of the canvas still white and empty?

If you’ve gone that far, you may as well keep going until you finish!  The mother definitely has to finish.  There’s no way that baby can stay inside of her and survive.  There’s no turning back once that process is begun.  The way she keeps going when she is weary or hurting is to think of the newborn baby she will soon hold, the joy of bringing a life into the world, the pride of surviving childbirth and joining the ranks of millions of women throughout history who have done the same thing.  When these thoughts surface in her heart she resolves to lean into it and get through to the end, to the wonderful result of seeing her new son or daughter.

A cancer patient braves harsh chemotherapy and radiation because they see through the nausea, tiredness and long days to the hope of being cancer-free, of killing all those unwanted cells and feeling healthy again.  Would they take a few treatments and then stop?  Not if they want the most effective, thorough results.

Lately I’ve had the image of my God, my Heavenly Father, as a blazing fire and He’s calling me to lean into Him.  Through weeks of praying and trusting, I’m still in process.  I’ve had such peace, but I’m also pretty tired and there have been times I’ve cried out to Him, “I’m done.  I can’t do this anymore.  I want out.”  I’ve heard his loving voice telling me to keep leaning toward Him, drawing closer, even though I feel the burning, intense heat of His refining presence on my heart.  As I lean into Him, I can see through Him to promise and hope – hope for a heart more like His, more pure, more compassionate, more holy, more faithful.  The good of the refining He’s done so far will be lost if I give up and shrink back.  There is only onward and forward, no backward, no staying put.

Set your eyes on the end result God is promising You when He’s calling you to lean into His refining fire.   Although God is rich in love and grace, He is also a hurricane of power and purpose.  He is no little, safe god that pampers or coddles us.  His love is a tough love with your best in mind – your ultimate best – “beyond this life” best. You have to intentionally fix your eyes straight through the time of waiting, or pain, or discouragement, or frustration.  One small moment of relief or comfort can never compare to the joy of making it through to the end of a difficult task or time in your life.  Lean into it.

“…let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our ‘God is a consuming fire.’ ” Hebrews 12:28-29

“Such a large crowd of witnesses is all around us! So we must get rid of everything that slows us down, especially the sin that just won’t let go. And we must be determined to run the race that is ahead of us. We must keep our eyes on Jesus, who leads us and makes our faith complete. He endured the shame of being nailed to a cross, because he knew that later on he would be glad he did. Now he is seated at the right side of God’s throne! So keep your mind on Jesus, who put up with many insults from sinners. Then you won’t get discouraged and give up.”  Hebrews 12:1-3

Extending a wide-open hand

A good friend of mine and I were talking about parenting and the process of gradually letting go as our kids gradually become more independent.  It’s a delicate balance, an ever so slow shifting that starts when they’re born.  My friend suggested the image of a tightly closed hand – that’s how it begins when they’re tiny, so vulnerable, so needy, so dependent.  Through the years our hand loosens the grip as they start to learn about making choices, facing consequences, wanting to start leaning and then stepping away from us in growing confidence.  They venture out, my “mom” hand keeps loosening and begins opening.  When they’re ready to leave home my hand should be fully open, fingers outstretched.  I extend that hand to my fledgling child in blessing and congratulations, “You’re ready and I’m proud of you. Go.”

I realize that my child needs me but in different ways and definitely different doses.  Remembering how I thought and acted at that age has been helping me tremendously.  I remember being so eager to get out and get away from home, not because I didn’t love my mom and dad, but I was tired of that routine and ready for something new.  The new and unknown was exciting and full of possibility.  I would be creating my own milestones, making decisions wise and foolish, having adventures, doing my own thing.  No sister and brother to contend with, no parents to determine my curfew or how I spent my time.  It was a heavenly time between being home with them and the pressures of real life that would follow college.  Freedom!

God, keep this memory close to my heart when I start to feel sad or perplexed in this stage of life.  I want to focus on the joy and promise my daughters face as they continue to grow and mature.  I want to just pray for them, be here if they need me, but respect their space.  I’m going to need constant surveillance from You and for you to keep me in line.  I’m sure my girls will thank you!  I spread my hands open wide trusting You to always hold them securely…please don’t YOU ever let go.

I’m still in your presence,
…you’ve taken my hand.
You wisely and tenderly lead me,
and then you bless me.        Psalm 73:23-24  The Msg.

Limbo

Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
don’t try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
he’s the one who will keep you on track.  Proverbs 3:5-6  The Message

“How low can you go?”

I can almost hear my Heavenly Father’s deep voice say this while signaling his two smiling angel helpers (we’ll call them Gabe & Mike) to lower the limbo bar as I shimmy under for another round.   I’ve never been very good at the limbo, not being very limber or skilled at bending my body completely backwards while continuing to walk.  You know, my knees and spine just don’t like it.  I marvel at the people who can practically lay back on an invisible board, gliding underneath the bar that’s inches from the floor.  That definitely won’t be me.  I’m trusting God knows how low I can go.  Of course, He has a record of showing me I can go farther or lower than I thought I could!

We’ve played the limbo at the girls’ birthday parties with their friends.  I much prefer the job of holding the limbo bar.  It’s more fun to watch the other people contort their bodies, trying to maneuver under the bar without knocking it down.  It’s fun to cheer them on and snicker when they fall down or fumble.  It’s awkward but it’s fun.

You can’t do the limbo by yourself.  You need people to hold the bar and it’s definitely more fun when there are other poor saps, I mean souls, taking their turns before and after you.  Some of them inspire, some of them make you feel better about yourself as they fail.  Hey, have to be honest!  A lot of it makes you laugh.  Most of it makes me laugh.

I’ve been doing the limbo in life for a few years now.  You’d think I’d be really good at it, but I still feel clumsy and amateurish.  Our house situation, needing to sell a house that’s been on the market in St. Louis almost 3 years and living in a rented townhouse here (with a bunch of our stuff in a friend’s garage – thank you Bryan & Susan), is part of the game.  I’m definitely thankful for our townhouse but there’s always this faint limbo music playing in the back of our minds: “this is not permanent, this is going to end someday”, so that we never feel fully settled.  I hope that song is true and not just wishful thinking on my part!

As a family we’re in limbo because of circumstances at church and with John’s job, so we are all taking our turns bending underneath the bar and encouraging each other, “you can do it!”  My church family even joined the game for this one.  What lies ahead?  No one knows.  What was is no more and what will be is a mystery.  Of course, isn’t that pretty much what life is all about?  I’m having to put feet to my faith even more than before.  Not knowing and not being in control: prescription for anxiety if we don’t trust God.  Choosing to trust is not easy, really trusting, that is….really taking our hands off again and letting God be completely in control.  I lean back and hope my knees hold out as I wiggle under the bar that has somehow gotten lower since the last time I came through.  I eye Mike & Gabe suspiciously as they hold the bar and I swear one of them winked at me.

As a parent I feel like I’m in a really weird limbo land and honestly I don’t like it a whole lot!  What happened to the days before the limbo game started when they were little, when I called the shots, when we all spent time together frequently and at home, when I knew pretty much what they were doing and what was happening all the time?  Well it’s gone, baby.  Now we’re in between those times and the times ahead when they will have their own families or be out on their own working and being adults.  There’s plenty of time left with at least one girl at home but it’s become awkward and I’m whining about it today to God.  I’m tired of this limbo game!  I want out.  I’ve gone around the circle and under the bar so many times now there’s a path worn in the floor.  The music has played so many times over that it’s playing in my mind when I sleep.

Will there be a time when I really get to stop playing this?  Or is this the new normal and I better just get used to it?  I look up to see a compassionate face on my Father.   I don’t really hear him answer, though.  He just pulls me out of the game for a moment to hold me and give me a breather.  Time with Him is my settled time, my “I know where I belong” time, my “home”, my peace, my strength.  His love is like the air I need to breathe and survive all of this.  I have to make time to just be with Him – it’s imperative.

Okay, Lord, if this is the game for me right now, I’ll play on.  At least I’m not playing alone, at least I can take little breaks off to the side with You whenever I want to, at least I know that YOU are the one who determines how low I go, how long I have to keep playing, and all the other “stuff.”  I trust You.  I’m sorry for whining.  I guess I should ask You, “How low can I go?”  Because You alone know that.

First you spread your limbo feet
Then you move to limbo beat
Limbo ankle limbo kneee,
Bend back like a limbo tree
Jack be limbo, Jack be quick
Jack go unda limbo stick

Don’t you move that limbo bar
You’ll be a limbo star
How low can you go?

Beautiful flaws

This video has made me cry three times now.  Every time I watch it I am so moved by the love expressed.  What a beautiful perspective and reminder that we’re all pocked with scars, flaws, imperfections and more.  To think that we’d fondly remember someone’s blemishes or even irritating habits with love, as signs that person is a living, breathing human being, flies in the face of most people’s attitudes toward others.

I wonder why we measure and rate people in our minds against the high standard of perfection when no one can ever meet it or achieve it.  Is it pride?  Is it because it makes our spots and specks seem less ugly or noticeable if we focus on someone else’s?   Jesus warned against calling attention to others’ faults forgetting or ignoring the fact that we have glaring flaws ourselves.

The lady in this video takes that truth and turns it a little bit – the things that irritated her about her husband became endearing, beautiful signs of his life and presence with her.   I don’t want to wait for a terminal illness to take someone I love before I learn this important truth.   It is a godly perspective.  Think of God’s love for us.  If anyone has the right to compare us to a high standard it is Him.  He actually IS holy, pure and blameless.  We are made of dirt, sinful, and defective, prone to disobey, prone to be prideful and want our own way, prone to mess up.   There are even scars from the hurts we endure while living this life, some from mistakes we’ve made, some just from the toughness of circumstances, some from abuse or mistreatment from other flawed people.

In the powerful movie “Slumdog Millionaire” the filthy, impoverished, challenging and tragic lives of some children of India are portrayed.  All throughout their growing up they face abuse, hunger, fear, violence and more.  They endure it, however, and make it to adulthood.  Two of the children, Jamal and Latika, become close, but are eventually separated, taking different paths.  As an adult, Jamal seeks out Latika and pursues her.  She “belongs” to a crime boss who mistreats her and at one point, when she tries to flee to join Jamal, is caught and taken back to her abuser, her face cut with the knife of her captor in punishment.   Finally, at the very end of the movie, she is able to go to Jamal.  After waiting and watching for a long time, he sees her and eagerly runs to her.  When they meet she covers her face to hide the ugly scar left there.  Jamal instead tenderly kisses her cheek, right on the scar, as if to say “that’s part of who you are and I love all of you.”

When Jesus died on the cross for my sins, God reached down and kissed my scars.  He told me He loved me, even though I was marred and disfigured by sin.  He washed me and gave me freedom.  God allows me to know and love Him in close relationship because of what Jesus did.  I’m accepted, welcomed, loved.  Thankfully my flaws don’t make God love me less.  According to the Bible He loves all of us equally and His love is never-ending, vast, wide, deep, and perfect.

What would happen if we loved in this way?  If we told people by our actions, and even in our words, I love you, snores and all.  I love you, stubbornness, forgetfulness, bad habits and all.  I love you, all of you.  Your idiosyncracies don’t make me love you any less.

God, help to remember how imperfect I am and to see the imperfections in those around me as signs of their individuality, uniqueness, and life.  Help me to love like You love, to love without demanding others conform to my standards, to enjoy and celebrate who they are, to kiss their scars.

“God showed how much he loved us by having Christ die for us, even though we were sinful.”  Romans 5:8

I see hope and a bright future

This morning as I awoke I saw the dim light of my alarm clock telling me it was time to get in the shower and get going.  My little cat gave a “good morning” meow as I stepped over him, walking to the bathroom.  I felt the hot water that soothed and awakened me at the same time, smelled the fresh scents of soap and shampoo.  My mind wandered as I stood there and I said a little prayer in my head for John and for our church family.  This would be a pivotal day for all of us.

I felt the chilly morning air on my face as we walked to the car.  I saw a beautiful blue sky and the warm array of trees in various shades of yellow-green, orange and bright red zipping by my window as we drove along.  My mind wandered to my church family again so I said another prayer, “God protect them, guide them, encourage them.”

When I walked into the church building, I heard the cheerful little voice of Nate, the 2-year-old son of my dear friend who was in the sanctuary finishing up the PowerPoint slides for worship today.  “Hi Mimi, where’s Krissy?”  I heard the clinking of metal as John and I set up chairs for the service.  I felt a little hand on mine and Nate’s sweet voice again, “will you read this to me?” as he held up a toddler’s Bible story book.   What a nice way to begin the morning, holding him on my lap and reading about how God created the world, elephants, butterflies and all.  He had no idea what was going on in the lives of the grown-ups around him.  Sometimes I’d give anything to be a little child again!

I heard the laughter of the worship team as they greeted each other.  The sound of our voices blending together in praise soon filled the room, our hearts warming up along with our voices.  God is good.  We’re choosing to praise Him.  I could almost hear their hearts saying these things aloud.  I felt the familiar smooth keys of the piano under my fingers.  My voice sang out and my heart agreed with the words, “You are God, You are what I’m living for….Let this be not of our hands, but by Your spirit, ’cause we don’t want to move without you.”  I feel so at home in this role.

A somber, resigned spirit seemed to hover over those who were gathering.  There were hugs and some smiles, but some were sad smiles.   I saw the people of God coming together: couples, moms and dads with kids, friends – all taking their seats.  I felt the comforting warmth of friends’ hands held tightly in the circle the worship singers and players formed before the service as we offered a prayer, “We only want to glorify You, God.”

I saw my friend Nancy, who almost always sits on the front row with me, flash me her familiar smile.  I heard the instruments begin to play and the singers begin to sing; the people began to join in.  As we kept playing, I heard the happy murmur of people greeting one another as they milled around in between songs.   At times I just played and sang, at times a phrase or word stood out on the page in front of me and a lump grew in my throat.  I felt my heart swell with praise for God who never changes, who loves without ceasing, who is always with us.  He’s with us right now.  “You are stronger, you are stronger, sin is broken, You have saved me!”

I saw the familiar scene of my husband standing on the platform, opening God’s Word to us, heard his voice praying for God to speak through Him.  I heard again the moving story of the “sinful” woman whose tears washed Jesus’ feet, whose hair dried them, whose heart was overcome with thankfulness for the forgiveness she received.   I felt convicted in my heart at hearing the story of the man who would save his son’s friend first in an accident at sea, even though it cost his son’s life.  While he knew his son was saved and would go to heaven, his son’s friend didn’t know Jesus.  He made a painful choice for the sake of that boy out of a love that can only come from God.  How could someone make such a choice??  Could I ever do that?  Could I ever be filled so fully with God’s sacrificial love?

I heard sniffs throughout the room and knew I wasn’t the only one convicted in that moment.   We soon sat on one side of the room in rows, awaiting the opportunity to make a sacrificial choice.  God never said the choices He asks us to make would be easy, or comfortable, or understandable.  We were about to make the choice to give up the familiar, the status quo, even those we love, for the sole purpose of reaching those people all around us that don’t have that beautiful gift of forgiveness from Jesus – that life-giving knowledge that God loves them and wants to walk in relationship with them everyday.   Odd to feel at peace and so sad at the same time.  Odd to feel that what is happening is so right, but watch my friends’ hearts questioning and breaking.  They surrendered.  They decided to take a huge step of faith.  They said “yes” to God’s plan – a plan we don’t really understand.

I saw the sad eyes of my friends as we stood to leave, then comforted one another with tight hugs and trembling voices – our shoulders getting wet with each others’ tears.   I felt relief knowing the decision had finally been made.   It’s been a long six weeks and the emotional roller coaster was getting old.   Big sigh.

In my mind tonight I’m recalling the faces I saw this morning and this is what I see now:  hope and a bright future.  When people are willing to put God’s will above personal preferences or opinions, there is definitely much hope.  I see God raising up leaders among them.  I see Him strengthening their legs, arms, stirring the fire in their hearts.  I see God filling them with such compassion that they can’t stop serving and loving others.   I see His Holy Spirit flowing through them to the people in their lives, in their neighborhoods, in their schools – their love for Jesus vibrant and contagious.  I see a people no longer satisfied with just being together, but heeding the call of God to share hope, shine light, announce freedom, offer a helping hand, speak truth.

God, cover my friends at New Life Community Church with your protection.  Fill them with your Spirit, blanket them with peace.  Turn their hearts toward You afresh, God.  Make them eager, bold, fully alive in You.  Provide everything they need in every way, Father.  You know the needs at the bank and the needs in their hearts.  Pour out overflowing blessing!  Give them a glimpse of what You’re doing so it will encourage them.  Somehow, God, whisper in their ears tonight and remind them how much You love them.  I love them, too.

mishmash

Time for an emptying of the mind from the last few days worth of ponderings and thoughts:

• As I went through the drive-thru at McDonald’s the other morning before work I saw out of the corner of my eye a brilliant sunrise, deep pinks, red and purple tinged clouds spread wide.  I thought to myself, “that will be so pretty to drive toward” as I paused a moment to fix up my burritos and get situated before heading down the road.  I pulled out of the parking lot and looked up to see only gray clouds and blandly-colored sunlight.  What?!  Where did it go?  It was so beautiful but so fleeting.  I would have missed it completely had I not noticed it just at the right moment.  I was sad I didn’t get to see it fully in the wide open.  I think oftentimes God is at work and I don’t notice, maybe because it is a fleeting seemingly small thing, or something I’d have to be purposefully watching for to enjoy.  In Isaiah God said, “I am about to do something new.  See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?”  (Isaiah 43:19  NLT)  I want to see the beautiful things, big or small, that God is doing all around me.  I have to be watching.
• At a time when I probably should be concerned or trying to figure out what will happen next, I have complete peace.  This is only because of God!  I’m enjoying it.  I think the desperate feelings I’ve had the last month or so have given way to it, because I’ve been pressing hard into my Father.  I’ve been as needy for him as I would be for air if I were held under water.   Corrie Ten Boom is one of my favorite writers and she is credited with this great quote, “When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don’t throw away the ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer.”  Choosing to trust lately has been one of the hardest things I’ve done but it has brought me to a place of peace, a place of really trusting the engineer even in complete darkness or thick fog.
• Sometimes you just have to “zoom out” a little when you’re in a pinch or tough time.  Rather than focusing on something painful or seemingly impossible, I let my perspective zoom out a little to see that I still have my health, my family, my friends, my job, our cars, our clothes, and more.  If I zoom out far enough to include people in other countries it really gives me clarity – seeing those who are suffering from persecution or natural disasters puts my troubles in a new, much dimmer light.  If and when my health, family, friends or possessions  are taken away, I will zoom out more, “if I lose everything, I still have God.  I still have the promise of eternal life.  I still have His presence with me always.”
• There’s just about nothing as peaceful to me as driving through the Indiana countryside, especially in the late afternoon/early evening when the shadows are long and the bright sun is spreading its golden rays across broad fields to barns, houses and up against groups of trees.  Today it was made even more beautiful by the trees that have begun trading their yellow-green cloaks in for bright yellow-orange and red.  The openness speaks to me of breathing room, freedom, unconfined space.  It is comforting to me and my heart gives a contented sigh.
• Tomorrow is a big day for our church family and for our family.  I’m trusting God to have His way, to influence hearts, to protect each one and our church family as a whole, to move through the room as we worship, bringing His amazing love and peace to the surface of each soul there.   I pray that His sweet, holy presence will so fill the room tomorrow that we are swept away, caught up, overwhelmed by beauty, fully surrendered.  No matter what happens, I will praise Him.  No matter what happens, He is God and He is good.