This and That

I haven’t blogged very consistently lately – haven’t had much to say.  I don’t think anyone would want to read something I write just because I feel I should write.  It’s more fun to write when I’ve had a new realization, when God has shown me something new, when something I’ve seen or heard parallels something in my walk with Him and all of you.  I’ve felt somewhat detached at times, not bad, just kind of quiet…it’s hard to describe.  Sometimes I think that the months of emotional ups and downs depleted me and  my emotions are in short supply right now – does that make sense?  I feel good, peaceful, optimistic, thankful, etc. just nothing in extremes now.  Famous last words.  I’m sure now that I’ve actually typed that the floodgates will burst open and I’ll be a blithering idiot spouting emotional exclamations any minute now.

I do have a few things that have come to mind, maybe worth mentioning:

We’re in the midst of winter where I live and it’s been a long, cloudy, cold one.  It’s gotten pretty snowy in the past week or so with a little ice and slush mixed in for fun.  Winter is not my favorite season, in fact it’s my least favorite BUT (and it’s a big but) I have heard God tell me not to complain.  I’ve heard many complaints lately about weather and life in general and it really is a drag.  I feel as if, when we complain, we’re saying to God, “Nope, what you made isn’t good” or “I don’t like what you’re giving me.  Sorry.”  I was reading in Genesis the other day about Noah and the ark and how God promised with his rainbow symbol that from that point on season would follow season, the earth would continue in its pattern without interruption and total destruction.  You know, that’s a comfort to me.  There’s a reason for winter and if we didn’t have it I think we’d have bigger problems on our hands.  Winter is important in my spiritual life, too, I think.  Time when things are being nourished and prepped for zestful, springtime growth but not yet.  The quiet time under cold and clouds is necessary.  So…don’t complain!  Whenever you feel like grumbling, thank God for something instead.  I know I’d rather hear thankful words and I’m sure God would!

I’ve also had a growing frustration with people getting their noses bent out of shape over petty issues.  Of course, one of my biggest frames of reference is the Church in general (though it happens in just about any context involving people) and I have concluded that just about all of church conflict or unhappiness is selfishness.  I’m still pondering it.  What do you think?  It seems when someone is unhappy it’s because something is not done their way or the way they’re used to or they just plain don’t like it.  Very rarely someone might be unhappy or speak up because of moral failure or true injustice happening, but that is the exception rather than the rule in my opinion.  Everyone, including me:  Get over it!  We have to stop thinking of ourselves, our preferences, our styles.  God showed me recently that I had been, in a sense, a church snob and that He doesn’t like that.  People’s hearts are key.  Jesus said true worshipers worship Him in Spirit and in Truth.  (John 4:24)  He didn’t necessarily say they worship Him with untucked shirts and faux hawks or 3-piece suits and neckties on.  He didn’t say it was by singing hymns or praise songs, with an organ or with a rockin’ band.  He said it was spiritual, coming from the heart.  If I go to a church that sings songs I don’t know or like, but I see people loving and really praising God, I can get into that!  It’s all about God.  It’s NOT about me.  It’s not about you.

In re-reading this, it sounds like I’m ranting a bit.  In my continual policy of being honest and up front, I’ve gotta say “take it for whatever it’s worth to you.”

I will now drive my little quiet self home from work.  Yay!  Thank you, God, for my job.  Thank you for my car which still works and has a heater.  Thank you for my shoes.  Thank you for food at home to eat and for my family waiting there to hug.  Thank you for health and the strength to move my muscles.  Thank you for oxygen (Just thought about that – that’s pretty important).  Thank you for giving me a rather large nose to breath it in and smell nice things like Bath & Body products.  Thank you for my friends who fill my heart with love and the joy of just being together and knowing that’s enough.  Thank you for Skype (that’s a new one).   Thanks for hugs, that was a good idea!  Thank you for funny stuff and laughter – it feels so good.  Thank you for your love and patience.  Thank you for letting me be one of your kids.  Thank you for everything really, God.  You did a good job on it all.

Where everybody knows your name

Do you remember the show “Cheers”?  Funny!  One of my favorite parts was when each “regular” entered the bar and everyone shouted out their name.  “Norm!”   The words of the theme song said it well,

Making your way in the world today
takes everything you’ve got.
Taking a break from all your worries
sure would help a lot.
Wouldn’t you like to get away?
Sometimes you want to go
Where everybody knows your name,
and they’re always glad you came.
You wanna be where you can see,
our troubles are all the same.
You wanna be where everybody knows Your name.

Now that my family and I are without our church family, we’ve realized how important it is to be part of a church – a place where you feel you belong, where you matter, where you can serve and help, where friends know you, and where you can share life’s ups and downs while following Jesus with others.  We realize, too, that we don’t have many friends outside of our church family to hang out with now.  We need to work on that!

Just like Cheers, I think the Church should embrace whoever comes through the door, no matter where they’ve come from or what they’re like.  Just like Cheers, I think the Church should be open with each other, making it easy for each one to express heartaches or hang-ups, relating to each other, listening to each other, being there for each other.  It should be a place where everyone expresses to everyone else, “No one is perfect.  We’ve all got problems.  We’re just doing life together here.”  I think it should be fun, too.  Celebrating life and the free forgiveness we have from Christ should definitely make get-togethers upbeat to say the least!

It goes back to one of my life mottos, which I learned long ago at a seminar by David Ferguson:  my purpose and yours is to help others be less alone.  God doesn’t want anyone to go through life alone, and not just alone in the physical sense, in an emotional/spiritual sense.  Life’s a team sport, a group effort, a shared journey.  At least it’s supposed to be.

I work in an office that supports churches across the state of Indiana.  Sometimes we hear of conflicts arising in a church – either between church people or the people and the pastor.  It is disheartening to watch sometimes…many times.  One time we received a letter from a woman on the board at a church in conflict.  She said the way the others on the board were acting, fighting, and accusing had caused her to question her faith in Jesus and made her want to go back to hang out at the bar where she had friends and felt welcome.  That broke my heart!

We all have to get over ourselves.  We have to say to ourselves each morning as we look in the mirror:  “It is not about me today.”  We have to remember why we are the Church: to draw in anyone who will come and love them in Jesus’ name.  To say to them, “You matter.”  To walk with them as they step closer to Christ.  To hopefully put their hand in His as they accept Him as Lord and gain new life!   It is not about me.  It’s not about you.  It is about Jesus, love, forgiveness, grace, and yes, friendship, camaraderie, acceptance, and (most of the time) fun.

I want Mike to follow me around

Last night John and I watched “Supernanny”, this time called “SuperMANNY”.  Instead of the assertive Jo from England, confident and caring Mike from the US intervened.  We don’t know if he was just filling in or if the particular situation needed his maleness and expertise.  He offered lots of advice to the parents, of course, about being consistent, keeping their cool when disciplining and being positive.  He especially got on the mom’s case about being negative toward her kids all the time.  She would criticize them but never praise them.  He got after the dad for losing his temper and becoming explosive with the kids.  Hmmmm…both are easy traps to fall into when you’re tired or hurting, which these parents were.

One day while the dad and son did chores and so forth around the house, Mike was right there giving the dad tips about discipline, encouraging him by saying things like, “Go after him, be consistent.  Don’t let him just walk away from you.  Keep your cool.  You’re doing great.”  He followed the dad around all day and helped him.  The day went well and the father and son ended up feeling better about each other in the end.

The next day the mom and the kids went to a nearby mall.  This time, Mike stayed at a distance with a little mini-mic.  He had given an earpiece to the mom so he could encourage her and give her tips the same way he did with the dad, “Say something positive now, keep your voice calm.  Don’t let her talk to you like that without saying something about it….”  etc.   Both of the parents were so glad for his help and remarked that they wished he could do that all the time.  John and I felt the same – we want Mike to follow us around and give us advice in his little mini-mic!

Being a parent is at the same time thrilling and terrifying.  It is rewarding and exhausting.  It is fun and painful.  There were many times when the girls were little that I would go into my bathroom and close the door to have a quick talk with God, “You said you would help me and give me wisdom when I asked You.  Well, I need it RIGHT NOW!” as little hands knocked on the door and little voices kept repeating, “mommy, mommy!”  Oh my.  I’m surprised I didn’t go gray or lose all my hair before my 30th birthday.  I also remember all the hugs, the hand holding, the snuggling before bedtime, the baking of cookies and playing house, the playground, stories, coloring, bikes and skates, school programs, giggles and laughs.  Although I wouldn’t trade it for ANYTHING, I still don’t know what to do sometimes.

Thankfully, I have an earpiece of sorts (my heart) and the Holy Spirit, who is infinitely better than a child therapist with a mini-mic.  If I really listen I can usually hear Him guide me and help me through the tough and/or bewildering situations.   In fact, He is there giving me tips and helping me make decisions in all of my life, not just my life as a parent.  Sometimes I know what to do but I need his encouragement to choose to do what’s right when I’m weary or feel like giving up and saying, “whatever.”  The beauty of being in relationship with God is simply that – we get to live in relationship with Him!  That means He is with us, He talks to us, He listens, He loves, He accepts our love, He disciplines, He guides, He plans, He watches over us.  It’s amazingly awesome.  I thank Him every day for allowing me to live in relationship with Him.

Mike seems nice, but I guess I don’t need him after all.

The Lord says, “I will guide you along the best pathway for your life.
I will advise you and watch over you.”  Psalm 32:8

Losers, part II

My friend, JJ, and I sat in Bible study together a few nights ago during which we discussed the woman at the well (hence my earlier post after more thought and reflection).  When we were asked if we’d ever felt like the outcast I leaned over to her and whispered, “7th grade afro year.  Oh yeah.”  We laughed, then I said, “I would go to the cafeteria after the cool kids left and Jesus was sitting there one day.”  Then JJ said, “Did he ask you for some of your tater tots and then say, ‘If you knew who was asking you you’d ask Him for the everlasting tater tots…’ ” to which I tried to stifle a laugh and almost snorted.  Why is it when you’re not supposed to laugh it’s so hard not to?  It made my day.

Sometimes it helps me to think of the stories in the Bible in modern-day terms.  Sometimes not. 

For all of us losers

Loser.  What comes to mind when you hear that label?  Nerd.  Dork.  Failure.  Outcast.  Someone to make fun of.   It’s not a title anyone relishes or wants.

Have you ever been the loser at any one point in your life?   Or have you been on the other end, the one giving the loser a hard time?

Jesus met lots of losers when he walked the roads of Jerusalem, Galilee, Nazareth…Samaria.  One time He and his disciples were going through Samaria while heading somewhere else and stopped for a break.  Jesus told the disciples to go on into town to get food while he waited just outside of town by a well.  It was midday and hot.  As he looked out across the stony ground he saw the waves of heat shimmering low and felt the sun baking his already browned arms and hands.  He heard the shuffling of feet drawing nearer and turned to see a woman, all alone, coming to the well for water.  She came in the heat of the day all by herself because she was a loser.  At least that’s what the rest of the village had decided.  Her lifestyle was the subject of many a gossipy conversation among the other women that lived there.  Married several times and now living with a man who was not her husband, she was clearly trouble.   She couldn’t bear their taunts, the accusing stares, the way they stopped talking as soon as she neared their group so it was easier to wait and come by herself, even though the heat was oppressive.

She carried a heavy water jar on her shoulder and looked at Jesus warily.  Who is this man?  Why is he here?   “Would you give me a drink of water?” he asked, looking directly at her.  She looked down as she reached the edge of the well, surprised that he would speak to her then said tentatively, “You’re a Jew and I’m a Samaritan.  Why even speak to me, let alone ask me for a drink?”

“If you only knew who was asking you for a drink, you’d turn the table and ask Him for living water,” Jesus said with a faint smile, his gaze constant and fixed on her face.  She kept her eyes focused on the dirt and the well, clearly confused by this attention and since this man had no pail or jar to hold water, no rope to lower anything down into the well.  Where was he going to come up with this amazing living water?    “The water you get from this well will satisfy you for a time, but the water I give becomes a never-ending spring of life flowing from within, quenching every thirst,” he stated confidently.  She then looked up and into his face.  Something told her that he was sincere, that this wasn’t a come on from yet another man wanting her affections.  She wanted to know more.  Over the next few moments, in conversation, Jesus proved that He knew her, knew all about her and her choices, and yet his offer still stood.  Grace.  Acceptance.  The needs of her heart met, for real.  Something to quench her thirst that wouldn’t leave her hurting and empty again.  As the disciples returned with food, shocked that Jesus was sitting talking to a woman, let alone a Samaritan woman, she set her jar down on the ground and ran past them into the village.  She ran to the people, even those who had shunned her, those who had pushed her away and written her off.  She told them about Jesus.  Her encounter with Him was so amazing and real that the grace she had just been offered she was already offering to them.  A whole crowd came out to the well to meet Him and hear for themselves about this thirst-quenching, grace-filled offer from the Messiah.

Some other losers Jesus reached out to come to mind:  Matthew and Zaccheus, despised tax collectors, the adulteress caught in sin and thrown at Jesus’ feet to be stoned, the woman so grateful for forgiveness that she wept while anointing Jesus’ feet and drying them with her hair, even the disciples when time to time again they would doubt and not fully believe in Him, Peter when he denied Jesus on the night of his trial.  He never turned these people away, never shunned them, never looked past them as if they were invisible, never looked down his nose at them.  He loved them.  He restored them in the truest sense of the word.

I don’t know anyone who has the right to call anyone else a loser.  We’re all losers.  We all fall so short of the standards God has for us.  We all deserve to be outcasts, turned away by a holy God.  Instead, He came and identified with us.  He became a loser himself to take on all our hurts and mistakes and failures and to give us a new label:  forgiven and accepted child of God.   The Gospel of Jesus Christ is for everyone, not just for those who have lots of friends, not just for those who successfully run a business or make lots of money, not just for those who seem to have an easy time maintaining relationships, not just to those who go to church or read their Bibles.  The Gospel is good news for every single person…it’s for the losers.  It’s for us.

This song is a recent favorite of mine:

Snippets

Just a few recent thoughts…

Last week I went through an awful day of emotion and wrestling with God over the possibility of going to a town or church where I didn’t want to go, where I didn’t think I would be happy, where it wasn’t my “style.”  As I vented to him all the way driving to work, I pretty much heard him say, “So, are you saying you refuse to go if I ask you to go there?  You refuse to obey?”  I remembered that if God’s promises are true, and I believe they are, then going where He says to go will be good in the long run because He promised He has good plans for me and my family.  I also remembered, with his help, that this is not about me!  How many times do I have to learn that lesson?  Sheesh.  I’m sure that is what He is wondering, too.  Just when I think I’ve learned all about surrender, God takes me to a deeper level.  It hurts and it’s hard.  It was a difficult, emotional day but it ended in peace when I finally, in my heart, submitted to Him and said “Uncle” once more.  Whatever you say, God.  Seriously.  I give.   I joked with a good friend that afternoon that sometimes surrender feels like the “S” word to me.  I don’t mean that disrespectfully, just being honest.  Sometimes it stinks (at least it seems to at the moment).  My friend asked, “so what you’re telling me is you’re standing in a big pile of surrender right now?”  We laughed really hard and the day got better from there.

I’ve been thinking more about loving people in their own love language.  Lately God’s been showing me how to love my girls in the way that shows love to them the most.  I’m still trying to figure out one of my girls – I think I know but am not sure.  The other two – I’ve got them nailed.  John and I took assessments this past year and one was the love language profile.  One of my big love languages right now is “acts of service”.  When someone helps me with something it makes me feel loved.  I also love hugs and attention and words of affirmation but at this point in my life, acts of service speak loud and clear.  Once John found out, he’s been helping more around the house and showing more thoughtfulness…and you know what?  It’s true!  I feel so loved and valued by him, more than before.  The biggest reason is that I know he’s doing those things purposefully to show me love, knowing it means something to me.  John’s biggest love languages are touch and time.  I’ve been trying harder to pay attention to him when we’re at home and not get too absorbed in the computer or other things that I just exist in the same house or room with him.   What are the love languages of the special people in your life?  Try to find out and then show them love that way.  Watch what happens!

Yesterday I blogged about this wonderful time of rest God is giving us and how good it felt.  Well, today, I felt restless and kind of weird.  Pesky, fickle emotions!  I think sometimes we rest out of obedience.  God actually tells us to rest and we need to obey, on purpose, and rest…be still.  I feel like He’s telling me that today.  Rest, be still, but don’t just sit there…draw nearer to me, Mimi.  I’m going to work on that.  Wait…wrong choice of words.   I’m going to try more intentionally to just be close, dwell near and in Jesus right now.

What funny, odd, silly creatures we humans are sometimes.

We went to see my grandma on Sunday afternoon.  She was actually pretty perky, sitting up in bed, watching TV.  Rather than greet us when we got there she first asked, “What channel is the game on?”  So we helped her get on the right channel.  She is starting to show some dementia because she asks the same questions from time to time.  She joked about getting her phone and remote (both laying next to her hand on her bed) mixed up and John teased her about pointing the phone at the TV by mistake and accidentally calling someone.  She laughed.  At one point she said, “Too bad I don’t have any games we could play” to which I replied, “That’s okay, Grandma, we’ll just watch the game.”  Then she asked us about our church situation (very coherent and sharp).  John answered her as she turned back toward the TV and seemed to zone out for a moment.  Then she said, “Too bad I won’t have any games for us to play, we could make one up” to which I replied, giggling to myself, “That’s okay Grandma, we’ll just watch the game.”  I love her.  I could just imagine what kind of game that would be.  She’s become thinner and tinier, her blue cowl-neck sweater swallowing up her small shoulders and little frame, but she welcomed our hugs and kisses just as warmly and as we left said, “I love you.”

I better go to bed so I can get up and workout with my Wii coach on the game “Active” which is my new favorite thing.  This simulated personal trainer business reminds me of stuff I saw in Tomorrowland at Disney World when I was younger and thought “Yeah, right, that will never happen.” 

You’re special and God loves you very much.  Good night.

Has it really been all about You, God?

As I sat on the piano bench a few Sundays before our last Sunday at our church as pastors, I felt that nearness to God that often comes to me when I’m singing, making music, and leading worship with my friends.  There’s nothing like music to lift me into God’s presence, to remind me of how beautiful, holy and amazing He is, to open and soften my heart.  There is definitely nothing like music that enables me to express praise to God, to celebrate Him, to love Him.  It’s just the way my heart and soul are wired, I think.  Music is huge to me – always has been.  I wonder what the spiritual connection really is when we sing for and to God?  I believe God made singing/playing music spiritual and not just pleasing to the ears.

As I sat on the piano bench that Sunday a sadness crept up and over me as I realized this time of leading and singing with these particular friends and in this way was about over.  Even as we sang, my heart was praying, “God, I don’t want to give this up.  I love this.  It draws me close to you.  You called me to this.  Singing and worshiping this way is where my heart feels most at home and most useful to You – at least at this point in my life.  BUT, I’ll give it up because You’re leading us away to something else and because I love You.”  The lump in my throat only lasted a moment as I focused again on the words we were singing.

This past Sunday as we sang a few songs in worship at our “temporary home” church I could hardly sing loud enough.  It was SO good to sing and praise, but my heart wanted to run up front and help, to harmonize and help lead, to be even more a part of what was going on.  I wanted to sing more songs, for it to last longer.

This has led to some reflection in the last few days.  Why do I feel so strongly about this?  Is it because I want to be up front, a subconscious need for attention?  Is it simply because I passionately love making music with other people, music that is beautiful and strong, music that sounds so good?  Is it because my heart was tuned to help lead in worship and God is drawing me?  Is it really for Him?  Or for me?

Matt Redman shares about an experience in the 1990’s in his church, Soul Survivor, in England.  The church was going through a time of apathy of sorts, something missing overall, especially in their times of worship.  The pastor did a brave thing – he decided they would have no band and no sound system for a while.  At first, Matt says, there were moments of embarrassing, awkward silence when the people gathered.  But eventually some broke into a capella songs and prayers and encountered God in a new way.   Reminding his church family to be producers in worship, not just consumers, the pastor, Mike Pilavachi, asked, “When you come through the doors on a Sunday, what are you bringing as your offering to God?”  Out of this whole experience Matt wrote the song, “Heart of Worship” which says:

When the music fades and all is stripped away
And I simply come,
Longing just to bring something that’s of worth
That will bless Your heart.

I’ll bring You more than a song,
For a song in itself is not what you have required
You search much deeper within, through the way things appear.
You’re looking into my heart.

I’m coming back to the heart of worship
and it’s all about You, it’s all about You, Jesus.
I’m sorry, Lord, for the thing I’ve made it
when it’s all about You…

A few weeks ago while visiting another church, my daughters were sharing the same longing, that they miss being so involved in helping with the music in worship.  I told them that this was giving us an opportunity to just go to church for the purpose of giving God glory – just because He’s worthy.  It’s not about us.

As I prayed and thought about all of this, driving to work this morning, I heard God say to me, “AND…how does that heartfelt worship and singing translate into the rest of your day and life?  It should continue to flow into love for others, serving others, encouraging, blessing, helping others.  It doesn’t stop at the end of a song or a powerful worship service.”

I’m trusting Him to show me how that pans out day by day, starting with today.

I hesitate to pray it, but…humble me, Lord.  It’s all about You.

Green Pasture

Life has definitely taken a turn, things are dramatically different for us as a family.  It’s hard to let go of something familiar, something you love, but now it is actually freeing to take our hands off and back away.  We need some space but have such a mixture of feelings:  love for friends but the need for our hearts to move on from a chapter God’s finished writing for us.  We watch Him turn the page with some sadness, reflection, and fondness.   It was a chapter wrought with change, quite a bit of stress and challenge, but also growth, much love and joy.  Toward the end of it, some of the characters God had written in affirmed us and let us know that what we had been and done in these last few years made a difference.   I hope many of those characters will also appear in the next chapters as we watch our life story keep unfolding, as God writes it one page at a time.

I was sharing with my mom how I was intent on staying close to these friends, keeping in touch, not letting things fade away.  She understood but said, “be careful.”  At first her words hurt a little – why would it be bad to stay close with these special people who had become so important to me?  Then I was talking with another friend who helped shine a different light on the situation.  If ever my friendship or closeness with my friends would make it hard for them to move on, for them to look eagerly to the next chapter God is writing for them personally and as a church, that wouldn’t be good.  I wouldn’t want that.  God will have to guide and give me wisdom.  I was asking one friend in particular about the weekend the church was meeting and voting on the new pastor and his wife.  She shared some things with me and then said quietly, “I don’t want to talk about this anymore with you because it’s making me sad.”  I agreed.  Can we just be friends and not talk about church?  Probably.

Think of runners in a relay race who pass the baton one to another to another.  When the time comes to pass it, the one running up behind has to hand it to the next runner and then let go.  It would be impossible for them to run together, both holding the baton and it would drag the “passer” down into the gravel to hold on too long.  I know, that happened to me once in 8th grade track!  I feel like God is telling me that it’s time, and it’s okay, to let go.  He’s got it all under control.  He won’t let my friends down.  He has amazing plans for them.

Before our last Sunday at our church in December, God had already started writing on the next fresh, blank page of the new chapter.  Not knowing how long of a chapter it will be, we can see already it is and will be a chapter of quiet streams and green pastures.  We’ve had time to rest, time to enjoy family we hadn’t seen for a long time, more time to spend with our own girls, their friends and each other, time to be still, and time to be free of responsibility.  At times it fills me with a stillness and peace.  At times I’ve been almost giddy with joy.  We’ve visited the church family we were a part of a long time ago and saw familiar faces, felt at home.  Once in a while I feel a twinge of guilt that I should be doing something right now, witnessing to someone, pursuing something.  Then I can almost see God hold up the book of our life and show me what he has written for this time, “I, the Lord am your shepherd; I have all that you need.  For now I am letting you rest in green meadows; I am leading you beside peaceful streams. I am renewing your strength.  I will guide you along right paths, bringing honor to my name.”  Tears well up, peace floods in once again.  I prayed and prayed for a break often in the last three years or so.  In times of pressure or anxiety, when I felt I had too much to bear or too much to do I cried out to Him sometimes, “Lord, please just give me a break.  Help relieve me of some of this.  It’s heavy and I’m tired.”

It’s funny that it has taken me a few weeks to realize He is answering my prayers right now, for me and for my family.  I hear Him saying it’s okay to stop for this time and just rest.  I can spend this time just being with Him and drawing nearer.  I know the green meadows and quiet streams won’t be our permanent home always – there will certainly be dark valleys ahead sometimes, rough roads, mountains and obstacles to scale with His help.  But for now, with the sun warming me, I am laying down in soft, lush grass, curled up in the crook of His strong arm.  I am looking up into His clear, loving eyes and reassuring smile and then closing my eyes to rest.  Let my Shepherd, my Author, write on…

Life on the Vine

I heard a message recently on John chapter 15, where Jesus talks about being the Vine, while we are the branches.  If we want to survive and bear fruit we have to remain attached to Him, to the Vine.   The pastor shared a story from the book “Secrets of the Vine” by Bruce Wilkinson.  The author, Bruce, went to a vineyard to get a better understanding of how gardeners care for their vineyards to bring about the best results – lots of fruit for wine.  As Bruce and the owner of the vineyard walked through the rows of huge, twisty, lush vine branches, Bruce noticed some of the branches down low were not as green or healthy and were without any fruit.  “Are those the ones you cut off because they’re not bearing fruit?” he asked, thinking of the verse that said God would do that very thing – cut off any branches who aren’t producing what they were made to produce.  The vineyard owner said, “No, these are often not bearing because they’re not receiving enough sunlight.  Sometimes they’ve become pressed down or covered up in mud because they’re near the ground.  We tie them up high so they’ll be able to drink in the sunlight – to see if they will become fruitful.”

The greek word used in John 15:2 where it says “cut off” is “airei” which can mean “taking away” but also “lifting”.  That sheds a whole new light on this parable for me.  I’ve had trouble in the past reconciling the wrathful, seemingly short-tempered God of most of the Old Testament with the loving, merciful God of the New Testament.  In reading some stories in the Old I find myself thinking, “How could this be the same God? If He never changes and is Love, then where is the love?”   I know that God is also holy and couldn’t abide by the nations that worshiped other gods or turned Israel away from Him.  But this truth about the word Jesus used in telling us how God cares for his vineyard (us) encouraged me.  Perhaps God doesn’t just whack us off in a split-second the moment he sees that there’s no fruit from our scrawny little branches.  Perhaps he picks us up and washes the mud away – the mud of disappointment, the mud of this world and the challenges of living in it.  He tenderly pulls us up and ties us to stronger, greener branches up high so that we feel the warmth of his light again, the life-giving, inspiring, nourishing light of his love.  He doesn’t want to throw us away!  His heart is not eager to destroy anyone, not looking for the chance to burn some twigs that aren’t doing their job.  He wants to give us the chance to do better, be healthier and stronger, draw closer to him and bring forth the fruit of a close relationship with Him:  love, peace, joy, goodness, gentleness, patience, kindness, self-control and more.  We might even become strong enough that he’ll tie a little weak branch to us someday and we can grow alongside of them, encouraging them, hoping with them, praying for them to heal and grow.

God IS love.  He is also a fearsome, powerful, holy God that cannot abide the presence of sin.  He never changes.  He has standards we can’t reach on our own.  No wonder we need to stay close to Jesus, drawing all we need from Him, letting Him cause fruit to grow all along not only our branch, but all the branches of all our brothers and sisters, until the vineyard’s fragrance is overwhelmingly sweet to the Gardener, to God.  How He would love to walk along the vine and see fruit hanging heavily, in deep shades of color, ready for harvest, and to see all the branches healthy, growing…beautiful.

Jesus said, “I am the true grapevine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off [lifts up] every branch of mine that doesn’t produce fruit, and he prunes the branches that do bear fruit so they will produce even more. You have already been pruned and purified by the message I have given you. Remain in me, and I will remain in you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me.

Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing.”  John 15:1-5  NLT

You should be able to see right through me

Transparent, candid, forthright, frank, open, unambiguous, obvious, understandable, out in the open…

I think of myself as pretty transparent, even though the only one who completely sees through me is God.  I believe in being vulnerable and honest, what I’d like for people to be with me.  Many friends and some strangers who have read my blog posts over the years have told me the reason they like to read them is because they can relate to what I’m saying, to some struggle I’m describing, or some flaw I’m bemoaning.  It’s a connecting point for people to feel someone else has been in their shoes, is questioning something, or is having problems – they’re not alone.

Opening up is risky.  One time I was venting some frustrations (and probably held grudges if I’m really being honest) about a congregation where we served and some of the people who caused trouble there.  I was a little too free with my thoughts and emotions because I offended someone who had once attended there.  They saw my blog (oops) and let me know.  Humbling to say the least!  Perhaps there are some feelings or thoughts that are better spilled out only into God’s hands.

I think there are varying levels of transparency, depending on the situation and the people involved.  I can be completely transparent with my sister, my mom, and a close friend or two and know they won’t judge me but will listen and love me no matter what.  That’s a blessing!  I don’t suppose everyone has people like that they can trust.

What keeps us from opening up?  Fear of being rejected, fear of being judged or thought of in a negative way, fear of not being liked, fear of our reputation being “tarnished”, fear of appearing less holy than we want people to think we are.  I’ve learned that for the most part, those fears are worth the risk because opening up makes a way for more intimacy in relationship.  When I hold myself back from someone or from God, I’m denying a deeper level of closeness that could be.  I want truth and trust from my friends.  I would be hurt if they only told me good words, or good things and never shared hurts and questions.  I would feel as if they were holding me at arm’s length, denying me the chance to be there for them, pray for and with them, and love them.

Sometimes we use the excuse, “I don’t want to burden you” but really we’re saying “I’m not willing to risk telling you what’s really going on.”  John and I have found out in past ministries that someone from church had surgery or had been in the hospital but didn’t know until they were already home and recuperating.  We would say “How can we support, pray and be there for you if you don’t tell us what’s going on?”

I recently had an opportunity to be really honest with one of my daughters.  It was humbling, it was hard, but I believe God used it for both our sakes.  We were at a weekend youth event and I was having a talk with her because of some bad attitudes she was displaying, causing some trouble in the group.  She stood with arms crossed listening to me reprimand her.  I decided to bare all to show her that we all have bad attitudes from time to time.  I told her of a woman I met that weekend who was socially awkward, hung around me a lot, was too much in my personal space, and was someone I was trying to stay away from.  Well, at the food court in the mall during a lunch break I was sitting by myself and saw her coming my way.  Instead of asking her to sit with me, I turned toward the wall and kind of hid myself.  When I got up a few moments later to leave, I saw her a ways off sitting all by herself and God pricked my heart.  “You could have shown love and you chose to be selfish, just because it was more comfortable for you.  You were thinking of yourself and not that woman.”  As I told this to my daughter I began to cry.  I told her I wasn’t proud of my choice and that I had to ask God for forgiveness.  As I confessed to her, my heart flooded with peace.  Then I noticed she was crying a little, too.  Her heart seemed to soften, we hugged, and she told me with sincerity that she was sorry for her behavior and would do better.  And she did.

Just lay it out there.  James 5:16 says to confess our sins to each other so we will be healed.  It is freeing.  It brings peace in the long run.  We can have a more intense sense of relating and understanding one another.  The end result is definitely worth it.  Hopefully at this moment, you can see right through me.